Maxed Out Puppetry

Alas for the dollar. It’s sure sunk in value. Mitt Romney, I’ve heard, was looking for a new home in Toronto where he could retreat in shame if he loses the election. He could only afford a two-bedroom apartment. When I assume the throne, I will strengthen America’s economy by encouraging the innovation of new products that other countries actually want to buy from us. Let’s face it, personal electronics aren’t the answer. That’s why China was invented.

Here’s just one of my ideas: The first time sheep are sheared, their “virgin” wool is finer and more expensive than wool that has previously been sheared. There’s an obvious problem for large-scale manufacturing - each sheep produces only a single crop of this higher quality wool. Keep this in mind as you picture a pair of waxed legs. When hairs are waxed off, they grow back finer than the previous harvest. I’ve heard so, anyway. Being a puppet, I don’t have legs. But I can imagine. I can also imagine the breathtaking possibilities if this simple fact could be applied to the textile industry. Waxing sheep instead of shearing them - it will create a new product, extra virgin wool, to place America at the top of the global textile industry. It's the foothold to the gateway to a new future in the world economy.

However, not every good idea is as simple as it sounds. Sheep wool that’s long enough to be woven is probably too long to be waxed. But good ol’ American problem-solving gumption can deal with that. Each sheep can be divided into several stripes, alternating between normal wool and extra virgin wool. After the normal wool has been sheared, then the stripes of extra virgin wool can be approached with hot wax from a side angle. Then the fibers can be woven into the highest quality textiles. For export!

P.S. Don’t tell China. I don’t want it to steal my idea.

VOTE MARY-JANE FOR PRESIDENT