Maxed Out Puppetry

Alas for the dollar. It’s sure sunk in value. Mitt Romney, I’ve heard, was looking for a new home in Toronto where he could retreat in shame if he loses the election. He could only afford a two-bedroom apartment. When I assume the throne, I will strengthen America’s economy by encouraging the innovation of new products that other countries actually want to buy from us. Let’s face it, personal electronics aren’t the answer. That’s why China was invented.

Here’s just one of my ideas: The first time sheep are sheared, their “virgin” wool is finer and more expensive than wool that has previously been sheared. There’s an obvious problem for large-scale manufacturing - each sheep produces only a single crop of this higher quality wool. Keep this in mind as you picture a pair of waxed legs. When hairs are waxed off, they grow back finer than the previous harvest. I’ve heard so, anyway. Being a puppet, I don’t have legs. But I can imagine. I can also imagine the breathtaking possibilities if this simple fact could be applied to the textile industry. Waxing sheep instead of shearing them - it will create a new product, extra virgin wool, to place America at the top of the global textile industry. It's the foothold to the gateway to a new future in the world economy.

However, not every good idea is as simple as it sounds. Sheep wool that’s long enough to be woven is probably too long to be waxed. But good ol’ American problem-solving gumption can deal with that. Each sheep can be divided into several stripes, alternating between normal wool and extra virgin wool. After the normal wool has been sheared, then the stripes of extra virgin wool can be approached with hot wax from a side angle. Then the fibers can be woven into the highest quality textiles. For export!

P.S. Don’t tell China. I don’t want it to steal my idea.

VOTE MARY-JANE FOR PRESIDENT

Have you ever sat in the chambers of the Supreme Court, watching the justices chew on their glasses thoughtfully? Have you thought, Hey, I could do that!? Now’s your chance! I’m sponsoring a national essay contest to decide who I would appoint to the court if I win the 2008 presidential election.

Because here’s one thing I’ve noticed about the Supreme Court Justices - they’re a little harsh. They pay way too much attention to laws and precedents and the Constitution. They seem to forget that real people are at the heart of each case. People who have been charged with crimes and are having a really tough time in their lives. I mean, I’ve never been accused of a crime per se, but it sounds pretty stressful.

If elected, I will add new officers to the court. We’ll still have the same nine Supreme Court Justices, worrying about the Constitution. But we’ll balance them out with nine Supreme Court Mercies, who will worry about the defendants. To make sure the defendants feel good about the proceedings and can get on with their lives. So if you ever find yourself on the wrong end of a Supreme Court case, you'll have the security of knowing that the Mercies are sworn to protect your freedom from the Constitution.

I’ve already appointed a bipartisan committee to appoint a blue ribbon commission to judge the essays. If you would like to be considered for one of the nine posts - which will have health benefits - send your essay now! The essays should be titled “Why I Want To Be On the Supreme Court” and be no more than 382 words long. To submit your essay, go to www.MaxedOutPuppetry.com. Click on the “Contact” link and direct your message to Mary-Jane. I’ll announce the winners as soon as we have at least nine entries.

Excerpts from some of the fine essays we’ve received so far:

“Questioning a person’s motives constitutes an unreasonable search of those motives. So if you claim you did something with good intentions - that claim is constitutionally protected.”
Heather, retired veterinarian

“I’d be good because I can psychically enter the mind of the defendants and know for sure what went on.”
Scott, yoga instructor

“I hope that being on the Supreme Court will jumpstart my acting career. Because I didn’t get on ‘Survivor.’ I don’t mind being typecast as the good guy. I do have kind of a baby face.”
Greg, known to audiences as “Frank” in the HBO musical “Leftists!”

“All these criminals have mothers, and those mothers don’t always make it to court.”
Cathy, retired mother

“I want to be on the Supreme Court because I stole a car and I have to do something for community service hours.”
Mike, high school student

“Some people say that the Supreme Court Mercy plan is a gross breach of the Constitution. On the contrary. We rely on the constitution. Especially on the part banning cruel and unusual punishment."
George, Air Force chaplain

VOTE MARY-JANE FOR PRESIDENT!

www.MaxedOutPuppetry.com/maryjanefreedom2008

Rupert mentioned in his blog about the Golden Question: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? When questions of such societal import arise during an election year, it’s important for us to confront them. By us, I mean, people who are running for president.

While I personally respect my opponents who disagree with me, I believe that Americans deserve an answer that settles the issue for the entire nation. Not just for the poultry lobbyists. The best thing for our country is that it was the egg.

It’s a matter of evolution. The animal that laid the first chicken egg was not quite a chicken. It was a proto-chicken. The animal inside the egg, though, had a genetic mutation. This lucky mutation was the one that transformed the creature inside that egg into a new species — a chicken. The rest is prehistory.

What was that mutation? We may never know. My theory is that the proto-chicken was a high-flyer. An air marathoner. But its egg hatched a bird with the little useless wings we would recognize as chicken wings. This was lucky, because the prehistoric air was filled with giant dino-mosquitoes that ate anything that entered its airspace. Since the chicken couldn’t fly that high, it never got eaten. All the proto-chickens got eaten. And the chickens have survived to this day.

We can’t answer this question without opening up another one. Should the chicken-or-egg debate be taught in public schools? It’s a controversial topic that has been going on since the Scopes Chicken Trial in 1925.

My answer is, yes, definitely. I believe schools should teach the most up-to-date theories from the greatest minds of our generation. And my chicken-or-egg theory is a product of my mind. And I am one of the greatest minds of our generation.

VOTE MARY-JANE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008

www.maxedoutpuppetry.com/maryjanefreedom2008

My name is Mary-Jane, and I’d like to announce publicly that I’m running for president on the Repuppetcan ticket.

Throughout the next year, I’ll be blogging about my views on the issues. I’ll also tell you how you can join my Veritable Army of Campaigners. With your help, but mostly with my incredible talents and skills and charisma and sheer puppet beauty and general awesomeness, I’ll win the election in 2008. Then together we, but mostly me, will take over the nation.

What are my qualifications, you ask? Well, I know I’d be a good president because already I’ve been president of many things. Here are just a few of them:

• President of the Society for Writing Haikus About Umbrellas
• President of the Society of People Who Think “Psychosomatica” Would Be a Good Name for a Band
• President of the Society for the Doing of Little Dances of Joy
• President of the Mary-Jane Fan Club (for two nonconsecutive terms)
• President of the Belief in Unicorns
• President of the Society for the Propafreakinggation of Infixes
• President of The People Who Throw Junk Together and Try to Sell It As Modern Art Union (local #42)
• President of the Association of Presidents of Societies for Things (western region)
• President of the Association of People who Have Been President of Things for Two Nonconsecutive Terms

Also, I’m the boss of my own life, and nobody can tell me what to do. So there.

If you’ve got any political questions for me, email me using the “contact” link on the Maxed Out Puppetry website. I’ll post selected questions and answers at www.maxedoutpuppet.com/maryjanefreedom2008.

So-the real question. Can I raise enough money to be a strong contender? I’ve already got a good start on my fundraising. I emptied out my entire bank account and used it buy a metal detector. In just one afternoon in my backyard, I found $3.23, an old pair of scissors, two soda cans, and a bottle cap. I’m going to take the bottle cap to an antique dealer. It looks old. It’s probably worth thousands.

I should mention that it is illegal for campaigns to ask for very large money donations. That’s why I’m only asking for very large money donations through a top secret website. If you can read this coded address, go ahead and check it out: ccc.nzcvwlfgkfkkvgib/zeirgzyovzinbulinzibqzmv. Unless you are in the FBI. Then you should go find something else to read.

Oh, wait, did I mention that I’m running for President of the United States? I should probably say that.