Maxed Out Puppetry

COCK TALK WITH RUPERT MACLUCKY
APRIL 15, 2008
TRANSCRIPT

RENAULT: Welcome once again to Cock Talk with Renault MacClucky. Tonight our guest is a one Miss Mary Jane, a.k.a. the President of the Society for the Propagation of Infixes.

MARY-JANE: Uh, uh, no, that’s not right. Actually, it’s the Society for the Propa-freaking-gation of Infixes.

RENAULT: Is it. And speaking of what things are, what is an infix, exactly?

MARY-JANE: Well, you know, a prefix comes in front of a word, and a suffix comes after, so an infix is something stuck right in the middle. Like, uh, you can still in words that mean abso-darn-lutely nothing. Another popular way is to infix adverbs into adjectives. That’s a-whole-nother fan-awfully-tastic way to do it.

RENAULT: And your so-called society thinks there should be more of these in the English language?

MARY-JANE: Oh, mill-oodles-ions more. But I get the feeling you’re not taking me seriously. Listen, once you open your mind to it, it’s a-freaking-ddictive. You can start infixing adjec-whatever-tives into the nouns they describe. And in-noun-fix to their verbs. Uh, entire prepo-phrase-sitionals can be reduced into one word to sen-fin-off-ish-a-tence.

RENAULT: I imagine you think that’s somehow a good thing for our language?

MARY-JANE: I under-can’t-stand how you disa-can-gree. I mean, you can in-infix-fix an entire sentence into a sing-one-le word. Terr-it’s-use-ibly-situ-ful-darn-all-tions.

RENAULT: Oh, what a good idea. Let’s corrupt and warp our language, the language of Shakespeare. Mary-Jane, you can’t tell me that “A little knowledge is a dangerous thing” preserves its poetic ring with “a know-little-dan-a-ledge-thing-is-gerous.”

MARY-JANE: Wow, you learn fast.

RENAULT: Abso-I-do-lutely.

MARY-JANE: But that was a, that was a quote from Alexander Pope. It’s Shakes-not-speare.

RENAULT: It is Shakes-too-speare.

MARY-JANE: It’s Shakes-defin-not-itely-speare.

RENAULT: Oh, I think I know the Strat-Bard-ford-of-on-Avon.

MARY-JANE: I, I can’t be-freaking-lieve your aud-nerve-acity. You act all superi-snooty-or about Eng-woo-hoo-lish, but you don’t even know Alexander Pope. You don’t know high-school litera-English-ture.

RENAULT: Yes, I do.

MARY-JANE: Do not.

RENAULT: Do too.

MARY-JANE: Do not!

RENAULT: Yes I do.

MARY-JANE: Do - ! Okay, okay. Who wrote “I Lone-wandered-ly as a Cloud?

RENAULT: Words-William-smith.

MARY-JANE: Oh, okay, okay, yeah, but who wrote “Ozyman—wait for it—dias.”

RENAULT: Percy Shell-Bysshe-ey.

MARY-JANE: Wrong, wrong, wrong! It was Gord-George-on By-Lord-ron, you stupid roo-big-ster.

RENAULT: You don’t have the right to ridi-like-this-cule my many fine skills and abilities. Do you week-inter-host-view-ly your own talk show? Do you?

MARY-JANE: Uh! You give week-inter-host-view-ly talk shows a bad name. You put up your atti-hoity-toity-tude when you’re as ignor-dumb-moreso-darn-ant as the per-next-son!

RENAULT: Well you, per-next, I mean, blast.

MARY-JANE: Ha! You can’t even do it.

RENAULT: Hmm, hmm…

MARY-JANE: Youooo caaaan’t doooo it.

RENAULT: Dooby goat waffle

MARY-JANE: Yeah?

RENAULT: - towel pleebing plobbing frostage hostage -

MARY-JANE: Zero charisma.

RENAULT: Sinus supremis.

MARY-JANE: Ha! You want to fight about it?

RENAULT: Stanky flanky hanky [garbled] step outside – [garbled]

MARY-JANE: You and me. Immeritely-now-right-now-ately.

RENAULT: Bake the hall in the candle of her brain [transcribers’ note: what the - ?]

MARY-JANE: Uh!

RENAULT: Well. Your ideas are mildly interesting, but I don’t think they’re practical, and no one will ever do them, and they’re weird. That’s all the time -

MARY-JANE: Well –

RENAULT: - we have this week.

MARY-JANE: Well, I think, I think, –

RENAULT: Good night –

MARY-JANE: You big chicken!

RENAULT: and until next time I can tell you what to think,

MARY-JANE: [chicken noises]

RENAULT: - don’t think anything idiotic. If you can manage that.

MARY-JANE: [continuing chicken noises]